We Can All Use Somebody
by JalliCali
Summary: "I wish she was still here..."


I looked her in the eye's, those beautiful crystal blue eye's. One of many times, but this was one of those moments that could last forever. I took a chance, I cuffed her face and pulled her in for a kiss. It lasted long and every moment of it was amazing.

_"You are amazing."_ I manage to say while our foreheads touched.

Then it was like she disappeared and my forehead was leaning on yellow and blue lockers. Just by the water fountain. I banged the locker with my fist and tears just fell. This loud beeping sound came on, I was dreaming. I rolled over and tapped the alarm clock and moved the switch to off. I got up and sat at the edge of my bed, and put my face in my hands. I have been in the same spot for about two weeks. I walk over to my desk and plop down in the chair. I turn on my laptop and sign into face range, I stroll down the I.M. list but the one person I wanted to talk to isn't online, and will never be. I decide today will be the day I will return to school, and face my friends I haven't seen in weeks. Or more like friend. I jump in the shower and change into the clothes my dad brought home about a week ago he said That I had to wear them to school from now on. The first thing I pull out the bag is a red shirt with a gold Degrassi Logo on it. I sigh, now we got uniforms? Next I pull out a little plastic card with my picture on it and a blue string with gold letters on it, it was a school I.D. It was the picture from my Driver License. Then I pull out some khaki pants, I was pissed. Now I going to walk around looking like some sunshine prep boy, with Adam. This is all my fault, I caused everyone identity to be shattered. I looked down and it was a letter, New rules for the school. I couldn't hardly read it because my tear drops smudged to paper. I got up and put on my clothes and walked down stairs.

_"Eli, I wasn't expecting you to… you know." _My dad said when I walked into the kitchen.

_"Yeah, me neither, I decided I am done feeling sorry for my self." _I said with a slight laugh.

_"Good, you need to get out and get some fresh air."_ I walk outside and stopped in front of my hearse.

_"I really should trade this thing traded in."_ I said while getting in.

I stop in front of the school and watch the happy people pour inside with their blue and khaki. I parked and grab my bag. I walked in the school and instantly choked up, that water fountain. I got to get out of here, I can't take it. I thought I could but I couldn't. I turned and as soon as I was about to exit he said something.

_"Eli? Where are you going?" _I turned to see Adam, hatless and in uniform.

_"I uh, I decided to come back to school." _I said wile looking down.

_"Good, it's been boring with out you here. Did you get your schedule?" _He asked smiling.

_"No, I was just about to." _I said.

_"From outside?" _He said with a slight smirk.

_"Yeah, I was just questioning." _I said still looking down.

_"Well bro, no questions I just want to hang again." _He said. I smiled and headed toward to office. Then me and Adam compared Classes,

_"We are acting like such girls right now." _He said laughing.

_"Yeah." _I said with a laugh following. _"We don't have classes together until lunch."_

He paused _"I'll see you then?" _He finished.

_"Yeah, Then." _I confirmed. First Class Advance Junior English. _"Great." _I sighed.

I Walked in the class and as soon as I opened the door everyone stared. Some snickered to their partner's, other's stared and nodded to greet me and one guy patted my back and said "Welcome Back." I nodded and sat in my seat. I remember this seat from the first day of school. I thought it was perfect because it was on of the chairs that was directly in the middle of the class. I turned around and smiled but quickly remembered that….. That, nothing. I Smiled at the boy that sat behind me and turned around.

_"Welcome Back Mr. Goldsworthy." _She nodded toward me and I nodded back.

_"Good Morning Class."_ She greeted.

_"Today We will be split into our second semester English Partners." _I slowly raised my hand.

_"Um can I talk to you in private?" _I asked.

_"Yes, Just a minute class." _She said and walked toward the door.

_"Can I get a guy partner this time." _I asked looking down.

_"Well, I planned for you and Chelsea but I can switch it to Nick." _She said with a smirk and returning to the class.

_"Yes." _I said. After three boring classes I had lunch. Finally, I was alone and I couldn't handle it, I had no one between classes to talk to. I Had One friend, Adam. I walked in with my paper bag lunch and made my way to the table where Adam sat. It was awkward because everyone pitied us or just rudely stared.

_"Why do they keep staring?"_ I say frustrated.

_"They think we are 'weirder' than normal." _He says with a smile.

_"This isn't very comfortable." _I say and then I get this awkward feeling in my stomach. I hold it for a minute and then I have the sudden urge to…Puke. I grab my bag and run out the cafeteria. After spewing my guts out I landed in the nurses office, she was too up-beat for her own good. I huffed a bit.

_"You don't have a fever and you throat looks fine."_ she says looking at her clip board hastily.

_"I was like it just came up all of a sudden."_ I said in defense.

_"What have you been eating?" _she says with her eye brow raised.

_"Apple's is all I been eating, not much of an appetite lately." _I said looking uneasy.

_"Can I go Home?" _I asked with a hopeless face.

_"Sure I'll give you a note to excuse your classes."_ she says. I take to note and I walk to the office, I was expecting Mr. Simpson but he wasn't there.

_"Umm, where is Mr. Simpson?" _I ask with a raised Eyebrow.

_"He has been replace by the board." _The tall lady extended her hand.

_"I'm Mrs. Lane I am here temporarily filling in until we find a replacement."_ I nodded and slightly bit my lip, I gave her the note and walked away.

_"Another thing that I am responsible for." _I whisper to my self.

I walk in my empty house and look at the blank TV. My back was in so much pain. I couldn't deal at all. Tear shed as I thought about that water fountain, the stares at lunch and English class, where I was alone. But I have to do it. I have to strive through it. I finally make myself up the stairs. I grab my lap top off the desk and Look through the pictures, it was Harder than I thought. On those pictures I was happy.

Adam's POV:

_"He's like obsessed with it or something?" _Chantay says with a disgusted face on.

_"You know nothing about him!" _I say in his defense. "People are going threw hell and back and your playing the blame game." My face tensed up between my words.

_"Adam I'm sorry…"_

_"You don't know how hard it's been!" _My voice raised and pretty much the whole lunch room was staring. I cut her off.

_"Keep it under control." _a near by lunch chaperon says.

I grab my thing and walk out of the lunch. This was only his second day back and they already are jumping on him verbally. I sat in front of my locker for the rest of the lunch period. Eli walks up, he wasn't there for my slight breakdown because he's always late.

_"Dude, it's hard to be watched eating alone."_ he said with the slightest smirk.

_"Sorry but I can't go in there."_ I take a deep breath. "Their staring is torture." I say shaking my head.

_"Adam we can't let them run our lives." _He said in straight serenity.

_"Looked where that got us." _I said rolling my eye's.

Eli got up and headed down the hall. He was upset and his walk scripted everything perfectly. I know I shouldn't have went there but, I was in having some bad verbal diarrhea. Lucky for me I wont have to chase him, the people who watches the doors will not let him out. A lot has changed in the past few weeks. Uniforms, security cautions and restrictions. There are chaperons everywhere, lunch room, bathrooms hallways and even the Zen garden. I mean how much security would you need in a glass room? I finally got myself together enough to go find Eli and apologize. He was just where I thought he was, the library. But oddly he was looking at the bookshelf right by the glass.

_"Dude, what are you doing?" _I asked uneasily.

_"I don't get why'd you care anyway." _He huffed and walked away.

_"Look, I didn't mean it. I really regret saying it." _I said look as forgivable as possible.

_"You're my only friend and I need you on my side, whether I am right or wrong." _He said sitting on the couch in between the book cases.

_"You will never be alone." _I said patting his back. He just put his face between his hands.

I hate seeing him like this. He was one of the strongest and smartest people I know.

Back to Eli:

Waking up every morning was a challenge, the back pains were getting worst. English class mostly, I can hardly pick my feet up and get in there. It's like my feet get heavy and my heart goes into pitter patters. And my car, I can't stand it anymore. It sickens me to a deep level now. But I have to manage, it's not all about me. I get ready and walk in the door's of what seemed like hell on earth. Especially the fountain, it was every where I went. I popped a Advil and grabbed an apple and made my way to school. To find out that one of my classes was filled and I now have to take music. I gave up on music when I was with Julia, the only thing I could do is listen to it. After some changes to my Ipod I was able to do that.

_"Ok class, today I decided to add a modern twist instead of classical music." _He said passing out the music sheets. _"We will be working on songs by The Script."_ He said.

My eye's widen as he discuss the arrangements and the set ups. My chest felt like it was colliding in, and I began to take deep breaths in and out. I whisper to myself, "I can do this, I really can." Everyone stared because my breaths began to get louder. My eye's soon water up, I got to get through this. I calm down just before the teacher could realize. Great thing we actually didn't audition for parts yet, band, singers, etc. I wasn't ready for that part yet. The song End Where I begin is the song that Julia pronounced the title of our relationship, the day we argued, the day she died. Breakeven is Clare's favorite song. Sometime I'd hear her hum it during English, I loved that hum secretly. I snapped to reality.

_"Eli Do you play any instruments?" _Our music instructor asked.

_"No."_ I say timidly.

_"Well, I guess that means you will be auditioning for a singing role."_ He said raising one eyebrow.

_"I guess."_

_"Well, come on. We don't want to be waiting all day."_

I begin to sweat, this can't be happening I slowly get up and walk toward the front of the class. Then, I open my mouth.

*DING!* The bell rang, I smiled to myself. I probably couldn't make it through it.

_"Mr. Goldsworthy, saved by the bell. Your up first tomorrow." _He says smirking.

I grab my things and head to my next class. Today was decent except for music and lunch. I'm not sure if I like everyone staring at me eat. Adam joked about it and gave weird faces to other people. He made lunch so worth it sometimes.

_"Want to give them the show they asking for?" _Adam says with a smirk.

_"Sure…" _I say with a unsure smile.

Adam gets out his seat and goes on the Degrassi stage in front of the lunch room. He begins weird mini poses. I run up there with him and do them too. At the end we laugh and slap hands. But no one looked impressed or even laughed.

_"You think this is a joke?" _Chantay stands up and says.

_"What, what do you mean?"_ I get a large lump in my throat.

_"These uniforms are disgusting and it's all your fault." _She says rolling her eye's.

_"Come on! This isn't fair, and you know that."_ Adam says looking at Chantay.

_"It's alright, because she's right." _I walk off the stage and grab my things.

I snuck out the school and sat in my car. I beat on my wheel a couple times and just cried. I have been crying more and more lately. This was a punishment I deserved. And sometimes I think it would have been better if I was the one who died.

_"We Need to Talk." A line every kid dreads. But you know what's worst, waiting for it. Of Every minute, of every hour, of everyday….." _I was reading a copy of the paper I printed when I edited Clare's paper. One of the first paper's I have ever edited of hers. It hit home, I mean every parent fight and when mines do it I always read this paper. My thoughts was shorted when my dad tapped on my door.

_"Son?"_ He said in a monotone.

_"Yeah, I'm in here."_ I said nervously. He never asks me questions other than the normal. "How's school?".

_"I'm worried about you." _He said.

_"Worried? I just went back to school I wouldn't been worried, I'd be happy for an improvement."_ I said putting the paper to the side.

_"Your school called."_ He said putting his hands in his pocket and looking to the floor.

_"What? Why?" _I said sitting up in the bed.

_"They said you had a moment in class." _He said with a worry eye.

_"Everyone does." _I say with a smirk.

_"Not were they throw up or breathe loudly."_ He said. "I think you should go to the family counselor."

_"No. I can deal dad."_ I said leaning back down.

_"It helped with Julia."_ He said.

_"Dad! I'm fine, I don't need it."_ I say frustrated.

_"Well, I don't believe you, so your going either way it goes."_ he huffed and walked out the door.

I threw my notebook at the door as he closed it. I was acting so out of character, When did I start throwing hissy fits? Maybe therapy wouldn't be that bad. Last time I went only two weeks and felt better, but will this be the same? I lay in my bed while all these question cross my mind.

_"Get up and Get dressed!" _my dad yells from down stairs.

I grab my black V neck off the desk and put it on.

_"Where are we going?" _I asked.

_"You, are going to the therapist." _He said putting emphases on the word, You.

I huffed and got in his truck. There wasn't no point in trying to argue against it because he will nag me about it all the time. So I just went, I can suffer through it.

In the Office:

_"Welcome Back Elijah." _The shrink said holding out her hand. I cringe at my name and shake her small hands. Her hair was a rust color straight but no that long. That hair brought back memories. Good memories.

_"So, How have you been feeling these past days?" _She continued.

_"I've be fine." _I say looking at her with a squinted eye. "Other than my back pains and random vomiting."

_"Random vomiting?"_ She asked questionably.

_"Yeah, the other day everyone was staring at me and then BAM! I had to puke." _I said with hand gestures.

_"Have anything stressful happened lately." _She asked

I looked at my hands which began to sweat and Entwined them and fiddled with my thumbs. "I'm not ready to talk about that just yet." I say with a slight lump in my throat.

_"I understand, but these might be due to depression you know?"_ She says.

_"The type with meds?"_ I respond.

_"Possible, depends on the cause." _She said putting her notebook to the side. _"When you tell me, I'll help you."_

I looked at her and analyzed the situation. Maybe I can tell her and all these random outbursts of tears and sicknesses will stop. Those meds can make you feel emotionless and alone, a friend told me. I don't want that.

With a talk with the Therapist was slightly helpful. I always loved people that had impeccable listening skills. They always made me feel like the only person in the world because for once instead of listening to some irrational stereotype, they actually knew me. I looked to the ground and up again as I touched the first steps of Degrassi high, again. Every class was fine until music. I had to audition for a vocal role. I really didn't want to, I never actually 'attempted' singing before. I got up in the front of the class and I didn't look at them. I looked down, then the music began. I was suppose to start. It felt like everything around me was functional while I was broken and mute. I stomped to my desk and grabbed my things, then ran out the door. A chaperon was going to chase me but the teacher flagged it, for 'time alone'. I am no pity case I brought this upon myself. I run to the end of the hall and stopped. I was in front of Clare's locker, I walked closer to it and stared. I touched and a rush of emotions rushed over my body. I felt like a crying corps, because I cried enough tears to fill the lengthiness of the Nile. In one hand I held my clusters of music notes and the other hand I ran through my hair. I wiped the countless tears off my face. I thought about the pills my dad brought me home from the pharmacy for my back. They was in my locker for 'special' purposes. I walk slowly to my locker only to see a figure crouched in front of it.

_"Couldn't focus. Everything seemed intense in the past few days." _Adam said looking to the floor.

_"Adam, I was just about to sing! Really me, singing they had to be kidding." _I ranted._ "Out of all the musical influences and inspirational stars, The Script."_ I huffed.

_"In literature we had to read a novel on the inconsistencies of life." _he squinted his eye's. _"Wait why was singing so hard?"_ he questioned.

I just looked down to my hands and hoped he understood.

_"Oh, bad memories." _He shrugged. I nodded and took a deep breath.

_"I don't want to be reminded about what happened." _I whispered.

_"I wish I can erase it from our memories and keep her in our thoughts at the same time." _He said looking to the ceiling.

_"There are a lot of thing I want to release from my thoughts." _I agreed.

_"Can we go see her?" _He said to my surprise.

_"That's not a good idea."_

_"We need closure." _He added and rolled his eye's.

_"If you think that you should go, I'm not ready."_ I crossed one leg across the other.

_"I'm not sure if I can manage to handle it with anyone who don't understand." _He added.

Adams POV:

Me and Eli have had our share of moments where he just had to cry and I listened or I had to cry and he listened. Sometimes we would just sit in complete silence and understand what was crossing our minds. I mean we were getting close in a odd brotherly way. A way where Drew would never understand. When Drew gets 'depressed' or have a situation he would sit in his room and throw the football at the ceiling. It was irritating and he did it constantly. Everyone was a little shocked after the lockdown. Even people that weren't there. I especially it hit home. Even though my mom was going to pick us up I wanted to piss her off and walk. She was always so Horrible! But if I knew my mother she would be pulling up right about, now. I turned to see her mini van coming down the main street. I knew her well.

_"Where do you think you are going?" _She snapped.

_"I was just walking home, I wanted some air." _I said still walking.

_"Well get some air from the window in the car." _She huffed. I turned to see the frown on her face, then stopped.

_"No, mom I refuse to obey by you anymore."_ I huffed and looked at her. _"You have no respect for anyone but yourself."_ I say in barely a whisper.

_"Excuse you mister you better get in this car."_ She snarled.

_"You are excused." _I sass.

_"I knew you coming to this school, town and moving, Just everything would make you jump out of character." _She huffed stopping the car and placing her head on her hand.

_"What do you mean jump out of character, I have always been the same."_ I snapped. _"You've been the same bitch too." _I mumbled.

_"Okay that's it." _She says. _"I know those kids at this school aren't any good after the hassling, I bet it's that Eli kid you go on about." _She huffed.

_"Eli has nothing to do with anything mom!"_

_"Well, ever since you met him you changed." _An idea popped on her face. _"Fine you don't want to obey by my rules then I am taking you out of Degrassi."_

_"You mean I have to go that specialty school."_ I whined. Tears backing up in my eyes as I think of how abnormal I would feel there.

_"Yes, and that's final." _She drove off. Leaving me walking down the street alone.

I turned my heels and ran to Eli's house. I knock on the door which flung open quickly. I let myself in and began rambling breathlessly.

_"My mom… She Said…" _I was quickly stopped by deep breaths.

_"Adam, calm down. What's going on?" _He comforted.

I sat on the couch and shifted my back in this awkward stiff position._ "My mom said I have to transfer."_

I see a variety of emotions cross Eli's face. First his eye's sorrowed in confusion. The his face tensed up in anger. Finally it settled in pity, "Why?" He asked sheepishly.

_"Bitch." _I huff. _"She thinks you are…" _I stop when I see Eli's eye's widen is sadness. But I continue knowing this will hurt my best friend. I choked up. _"She thinks you are a bad influence." _I close my eyes and sigh.

_"I-I am Sorry."_ He said looking down at his black jeans.

_"It's your fault, I will talk her out of it." _I said looking off to my left.

Eli didn't say anything he just shook his head. Then I had memories, they brought back some emotions. They involved Clare, which was just who I needed right now.

xxx

_"These are breathtaking. I would have never, ever thought about picking up an comic." _The rust colored broke silence at the lunch table.

_"Yeah, that's one of my favs." _I say pointing to her comic.

_"The Watchmen is epic." _Eli says in the middle of reading his comic.

_"Yes, very entertaining." _Clare Says.

_"I enjoy Scott Pilgrim, he keeps me laughing." _I say.

_"When your done can we switch? "_ She asks.

_"Of course." _I respond smirking.

xxxx

Why was this my favorite memory? Because we spent time together doing something I enjoy doing. I didn't have to be ridiculed or written off as a nerd. They weren't being couply and gross, they were being pre-Eclare. And I loved it this way.

_xxx_

_"This doesn't bet Fortnight though."_ She added smugly.

_"Your right, it murders it!"_ I reply in wittiness.

Eli kept reading but he smirk, signaling he was listening.

_"I couldn't find a better thing to do than hang with you guys."_ Eli said. Clare shot him a smirk.

_"Goldsworthy can't live with out us huh?"_ Sarcasm flooded her words.

_"Not even the slightest."_ He added.

xxx

Their words were warm and special. I never had friends that cared about me like they did. I never had such people that understood me. Yeah, Clare can be pushy and worried. And, Eli can be cold with words and witty. But one thing I never doubted was them not caring. Then I snap back into reality to see what look was on Eli face. He was on his laptop looking through pictures.

_"What are you looking at?" _I asked.

He smirked, _"Remember when we skipped school and went to the comic store."_

_"How could I forget, Clare was being so bubbly that day." _I said laughing slightly. _"Shut the front door! Is those the pictures we took."_

He nodded, _"They were on her face range page, I saved them."_

_"Yeah that ally picture you took. You were being so difficult." _I laughed again.

_"She wasn't being fair! Flashing randomly, I wasn't in my zone." _he defended.

I laughed at the response, it was so Eli.

Eli's POV:

As I sat in front of the small short lady. She held a notepad and black ink pen.

_"Okay Eli, care to share?" _she states impatiently because of the silence.

_"Well my best friend might be transferring because of me." _I sigh.

_"Why is that?"_

_"I couldn't give up or let go." _I say. "The lock down."

_"Ahh I see, so this lock down caused quite a disturbance. Care to explain?" _She questioned.

_"I uh, rather not at the moment." _I say looking down at my sharpie colored nails.

_"Ok, Your dad says you hardly drive Morty anymore. Why is that?"_

_"I don't enjoy it anymore. It isn't like it use to be."_

_"Can you tell me why?" _She asked.

_"I liked to ride and clear my head of all things and troubles. Now, I feel like I am suffocating in there." _I reply.

_"Why do you think it has been effecting you that way?"_ She interrogated.

_"Because I use to vent and calm down when the people I care about most are having some problems between us." _I say.

_"Like Julia."_

_"Yeah exactly, When we use to fight I would go debate in Morty whether I should give up on the girl I care about more than the world it's self or go and make-up with her."_ I choke up a bit.

_"So do you think that's why you can't bare being in your car anymore? Do you have anymore reasons?"_

_"I have many reasons why I can't take it."_ I state.

_"Can you tell me?" _She ask. I look at her like I looked at my dad when he told me he was sending me here.

_"Not right now, it hurts to much."_

_"If not now when? How will I be able to help you if you can't open up?"_

I look her up and down the grabbed my coat and got up.

_"Where are you going?"_ She asked.

_"I'm leaving because I am uncomfortable and to emotionally unstable to deal with you." _I say as I head toward the door and storm out.

Because my dad dropped me off I had to walk to where ever I was going. I get out me phone and text Adam the only person who really understands me.

_Meet me at The Dot in ten. -Eli_

A few seconds later his text appear on my screen.

_Ok. I have good news to spill anyways. - Adam_

I close my phone and began the walk that seems to be miles long but barely a couple blocks. Everything seemed to froze around me. "If not now when? How will I be able to help you if you can't open up?"

It repeated in my mind like some broken record. I watch my breath make white fog as I walk and breath deeply to withheld my tears that was dying to fall. I see Adam looking down at some paper in front of The Dot.

_"What's that?" _I ask as I see him skim the lines of what looks like a obituary.

_"Nothing." _He replies quickly and slip the paper into his pocket.

"Okay… What was the news?" I asked remembering the text.

_"Lets get some coco first!"_ He says jumping up and going to the door of the coffee shop.

We both are seated and sipping on chocolate goodness when he opens his mouth and speak.

_"My mom is letting me stay." _He blurts.

_"That's great… Awesome actually." _I reply studying the brown colored liquid in my mug.

_"What's wrong Eli? You should be a bit more sarcastic or witty."_ he say smirking.

_"I can't help but think this is all my fault."_ I say.

_"Eli, I don't care what stunt my mom pulls she will never make me turn on you, or blame you."_

_"Thanks man."_ I say weakly.

_"So why'd did you want me to meet you here?"_

_"I need to get out and breathe." _I respond._ "Reality is catching up with me."_

_"What happened?'_

_"My therapist, she's so pushy."_

_"She's just trying to help Eli."_ He comforted.

_"I need time to admit things!" _My voice raising slightly.

_"Maybe you need to go and get closure." _he said trying to calm things down.

I scrunch my lips up in anger. Did he know I can't handle it? Did he know I was to weak to have the slightest thought of it let alone complete the action? Did he know I wasn't the strong individual that I was before Vegas night? I rubbed my temples lightly.

_"I will be your support system and walk you through it if you need me." _He added.

_"Okay." _I say and nodded my head. _"I will go get closure." _I said pursing my lips.

_"When should we do this? Will Alli come?" _He asked.

Alli had transferred because her parents were told that something happened between her and Drew in the boiler room during the lockdown. She was transferred out after a conference with her parents. Her brother on the other hand, Sav got to stay and finish his senior year. Her reputation was totally screwed, and she was mocked endlessly while Drew was praised. He hated the attention but he attempted numerous times to get on Alli's good side. He fail big time because his mom would interfere every time.

_"I haven't seen Alli, in a while."_ I said blankly. _"She probably don't want to see me neither."_

_"Go to her house."_ He said. _"I'll come with."_

_"Okay let's go now."_

It was Sunday afternoon her parents were mostly likely at work. I remember because of one of my many hangouts with Sav. I was of course scared to see Alli. I get to the door and turn and look at Adam one more time hoping he will understand and let me get back in the car. Instead he motion for me to ring the door bell. I press the little button twice be for a short fair skinned girl answered the door. She had no emotion in her eye's, like her world was gone.

_"Hey… Uh… Alli"_ I look down uneasy.

_"Hi." _She had a lump in her throat like it was the first time she talked in days.

_"I was wondering if you wanted to go with me and Adam?" _I asked with a guilty expression.

She let out a deep breath, _"Where?" _She questioned while crossing her arms. She looked paler than normal and clean because she had no make-up on and she was wear a school uniform from Bardell. White shirt with gold logo and khaki pants.

I hesitated, part of me wanted to break down in apologies and the other part of me want to give her a hug and cry endlessly into her white shirt. She looked without a doubt saddened. _"To see Clare." _I managed to say.

She looked in the house to the clock on the stand behind her. _"My parents get home in two hours." _She said crossing her arms again. _"We need to go now."_

_"Now?"_ I said with a slight scare in my voice.

She grabs her black pea coat off the rack and closed the door. _"Yeah, come on." _She walked toward the hearse and cursed to herself mentally, I saw the memories in her head through her sorrow eyes. The drive was about fifteen minutes and we finally pulled up…

**- What Happened During the lockdown.**

_"What ever Fitz do to you, you deserve it." _Those words etched my mind. And when she walked away every step was like a dagger in the heart. I need to go make things right. If only I can find her, she stormed out and was like she disappeared. But Fitz had it coming. I was not about to be a victim again.

*Clare's POV*

He couldn't put the feud to the side for me. I felt stupid for still liking him, caring for him. All I could think is How much I just wanted sit around and drink punch with him. Share the slow dance moment with him. Have him ride me home and give me a good night kiss. Stay up for the next two weeks talking endlessly on the phone with him. But that was erased from my mind, he obviously didn't care. I see Fitz, I could tell him I had nothing to do with Eli stupidity. I wanted to stay on Fitz good side.

_"There you are. Are you okay?" _I ask.

_"Yup." _He responded emotionless.

_"I should have known Eli would try to pull something like this." _I take a deep breath. _"He's always trying to come off as this bad ass, The worst part is I fell for him. I guess that makes me a-"_

_"A regular ass."_ He cut off.

_"Well, I was going to say native."_ But my thoughts was soon cut off by the small silver pocket knife he was pulling out of his locker. He face had "I'm Dangerous" all over it. I panicked, I got to tell Eli. _"Well, I should probably get back there." _I say trying to sound relaxed. I ran and scanned the room of dancing adolescents. Eli was in there but Adam was. I run up to him as quick as possible. I grab his arm.

_"Whoa, what's up Brudis?" _He asks jokingly.

_"Where's Eli?" _I asked half hyperventilating.

_"If your going to lecture him again-" _I cut him off.

_"Fitz has a knife."_ I say.

_"I will go tell Simpson, you find Eli and run."_ He says with this pale expression on his face.

_"Okay." _I half whisper before leaving the room.

I knew Adam told Simpson because I heard Simpson's cold warning words in the speakers. "Okay no one panic, but from now on this school is on lockdown." I was just turning the corner when I saw Eli.

I run to him and snatch off his headphones. _"Come with me Fitz has a knife." _He stares blankly at me. _"This is where we run lets go." _I say in a panic tone.

_"I won't let that jerk scare me." _He says while his face tense up.

_"Eli! He has a knife," _I say pissed that we aren't running off yet.

My rant was cut off by Fitz. This isn't good.

_"Aw don't you two look cute." _He says sarcastically.

_"You should go." _I manage to get out.

_"And let pretty boy make time with my date."_

_"Please Fitz don't do this." _I pled as he gets closer.

_"Shut up Bitch!"_ He yelled at me. My heart sank, he was back to the jerk he was 24 hours ago. But I was being pushed away. From Eli, by Eli. What was happening? Was he pushing me to protect me from danger. So whatever happens I don't get hurt. He must really care.

_"Look I am sorry about before, about everything, you win." _Eli says trying to save his self.

_"I've heard that before." _Fitz says while pushing Eli back into a wall. Every push was like someone stabbing me in the place it hurt the most, my heart. I stepped closer.

_"Look Fitz I'm serious."_ Eli says.

_"So am I, you had this coming for a while."_ He says as he inches closer to Eli. "What's wrong emo boy? Out of smart ass comments?" Pushing him one final time.

_"Dude seriously don't do this."_ He spoke one last time.

_"Someone's got to shut you up."_ He says before raising his knife. I couldn't take it, I couldn't sit there and watch the future love of my life get hurt, killed. So I did what came first in my mind. I jumped in front of the knife. I felt the cold stainless steel pierce my pale skin. Right in my stomach. I was in Eli lap breathing my last breaths. He had been sitting there bawling and rocking me. Fitz panicked and began to explain it was only suppose to be joke. I choked up blood and tears feel from my eye's. I didn't get the joke. Right before my body went out I heard Adam's voice.

_"No… no, no ,no. Not Clare."_ He cried. And collapsed to his knees.

Eli's POV:

The ambulance came and picked her up. Thankfully she was still breathing. But she did have surgery and me, Adam and Alli stayed in the hospital till we got news. So we are in the waiting room on a Friday night dressed up and I am full of blood. Adam is depressed because He had to tell his mom off in order for him to come with. And Alli is an all around mess, Her hair was messy, her make-up was running and she had the eye's that look like she was about to go jump off a random roof. I on the other and was in total pity, for myself. Even though they look like nut cases, I was the one covered in blood with tear stains on my cheeks. I was the one balled up in my chair rocking and doing the unusual, Praying. I was praying to some unknown god that Clare would be okay and that when this is over everything goes back to normal. But other than Alli's sniffle every once in a while it was silent.

_"I can't believe this, it's all my fault. I should have looked after our little girl!"_ Mrs. Edwards cried into Mr. Edwards shirt.

_"I know honey I know."_ He patted her back and comforted her.

They were walking to the food court area to get some coffee. They were going to be here a little late and didn't want to go to sleep. Once they left Adam got up and paced the waiting room. Alli's eye's followed him.

_"I can't believe this." _He says. I just look at him.

_"We are suppose to ACE. The Misfits or something. You know BFF's?"_ He said again with hope in his eye's.

_"I can't say, She will be fine calm down no matter how much I want to. I just can say hope, hope she will be fine." _I say. He let out a sigh and sat down. Alli just looked down at her finger nails. Then She looks up.

_"What exactly happen?" _She asks. _"No judgment promise." _She states.

_"Well of course Clare told you she was going to the dance with Fitz to get him off my back. And I slipped poison in his drink to get him back for asking out Clare. One thing lead to another and he came at me with a knife. I had pushed Clare out the way as soon as I seen the knife but she jumped in front of me when he raised it. And he…" _I choked up and put my head in my hands. _"He stabbed her." _I manage to say. _"It's all my fault!" _I say in sobs. She just looked down again and let tears fall from her eye's.

_"No it's not." _Adam says Crying to. Then a tall blond nurse walks in.

_"Are you here for Clare Edwards?" _She asks

_"Yes." _I say jumping out of my seat. Alli and Adam stare at her with their watery, teary eye's.

_"We need Mr. and Mrs. Edwards. We got news on Clare." _She says.

My body went cold, is this good news or bad. I couldn't tell. I see the Edwards walk in the waiting room area. _"It's time we find out." _I say to myself.

**Back to reality:**

She grabs her black pea coat off the rack and closed the door. "Yeah, come on." She walked toward the hearse and cursed to herself mentally, I saw the memories in her head through her sorrow eyes. The drive was about fifteen minutes and we finally pulled up…..

We were at the cemetery, the one where we buried Julia and now Clare. I look over at Alli who was hyperventilating and fanning herself.

_"You going first Bhandari?" _I asked looking her in the eye.

She nodded and got out the car. She walked rather slowly at first but she speeded up as she got closer to the grave. Soon she was out of site.

(Alli's POV)

_"Hey best friend. I was thinking about you for the longest of times. Everytime I was in a situation I would be like, 'What will Clare do?'. Well I have been transferred out of Degrassi, I don't know how long or if I'm coming back soon. With the whole Drew thing being figured out , I don't blame my parents. Even if it wasn't true or not. But I don't mind." _I said getting tissues out of my pocket to prepare myself for a session of crying.

_"This has been the first time in three months That I have seen you. Some best friend I am. The only reason I didn't mind transferring out of Degrassi was because the person I can rely on the most wasn't there to support me anymore" _I cried some more.

_"I feel so pathetic, I got a reputation as the school slut there and the girl they pity because on the night her best friend got stabbed she was in the boiler room with Drew Torres." _I shake my head.

_"I wish I could have change that day instead of crying over my boyfriend, I would have been with you. We could have talked about innocent things like how the boys in our lives were acting difficult." _I let out a whimper as I put my hand on my forehead.

_"But I know that cant happen now. I will always love you Clare." _I said while cleaning off her picture that laid on her tombstone. I got up dust my self off and walked back to the hearse.

(Eli's POV)

_"I wonder what she is like saying, you know?" _Adam said.

_"Like, what do you do when you go see a grave?" _He asked trying to sound as platonic as possible.

_"Usually talk to them, put down flowers and other stuff."_ I answer in a mild tone.

I look at an uncomfortable Adam shift in his seat. He was dressed for occasion, Black and grey flannel, grey beanie, black jeans, black pea coat and black converse. I looked at his hands which had gloves on them and tried to see if the were shaking. Boy, were they. It was like he was having mini twitches in his hand. I put my hand on his shoulder.

_"When you get there you will know exactly what to say."_ I reassure him, "Don't worry."

He gave a faint smile, _"Thanks man."_

Alli came back after about ten minutes. Red eye's, stuffy nose, tissues' and relief in her eye's. Adam went next, he rubbed his hands together and jumped out the car and went to the grave we was at about three months ago. When he disappeared I turned to Alli who had her head on the window shield.

_"I don't blame you Eli." _She said to my shock.

_"But I am the one to blame." _I say.

_"She knew what she was doing when she jumped in front of the knife. And I mean that in the most calmest way possible. She would have done it for anybody, that's why I loved her." _She say.

_"Thanks for understanding and giving me a second chance."_

_"Everyone deserve one and it doesn't matter if it's your forth, fifth, twentieth, or second. If you don't get a chance then you cant progress, move on." _She say sitting up and looking at me. I put my head on the steering wheel and let out a sigh. A sigh of relief.

(Adam POV)

_"Clare the great. I miss making fun of you and Eli. I also miss the only person that take every part of life into consideration. I trust with the secrets that I can't tell Eli, like when I burned myself. Or like all my stories about when I was a girl. Or what happened at my old school that made me transfer here." _I let out a small faint laugh.

_"Remember the time you pronounced a comic book title wrong the whole time you read it, so it didn't make any sense and I had to correct you."_ I let a small teardrop fall from my eye as I thought about our good memories.

_"Did we have some good times. I actually refreshing to have really honest friends like you and Eli. I really miss you Clare." _I said before getting up and leaving.

(Back to Eli POV)

But my tummy started to rumble in nervousness when I see Adam walking back. He was wiping his eyes and straightening him self up. He got in the car and I can see his eye's were slightly red from crying. He gave me a faint smile, and mouthed "Go on." to me. I got out the car and made my way down the lightly snow cover trail. After about two minutes I was there.

_"Clare Annabel Edwards, 1994 to 2010, Child of joy, wonder and pureness." _I read off the tombstone.

I got on my knees and wiped my sweaty palms on my pants. I stared in grief at the memorial that stood before me. I took a deep breath and began.

_"Hey Clare, it's me Eli. Not to sound mushy but… I miss your laugh, your smile, your wit, your classiness, your hair and how it smelled like strawberries and cream, your worry and I miss you."_ I felt a small tear on my left cheek as I let out some sobers I been dying to since the day she died.

_"You and Adam were like my everything, and now without you I'm half empty. And you know what the hardest part is I never got the chance to fall in love with you like I knew I would have. I never got to take you on the first date you deserve. I never got to take you Julia's grve and introduce you to the girl I knew you would have love to met. I never got to tell you about how much I appreciated you. I never got to experience a day with my girlfriend that I cared some much about. I never got to hold your hand and give it little pecks. I never got to see Adam's face when we acted like a official couple. I never got to come and get you when you parents was fighting and you sneaked out with me in the middle of the night. I never got to hold you and you hold me back..."_

I put my face in my palms and cried some more. The list of things I always wanted to do with Clare I never did them. And as badly as I want to go back in time and listened when she said _"Or lay low with you girlfriend?" _I know I can't. And as badly as I wanted to say _"I love you," _I couldn't. I picked up a picture of her that laid neatly against the tombstone and looked at it. My tear drops staining it. I put it down not able to handle it and put my hands in the dirt on top of her grve. I scrunched it in my fingers. I let out small husky cries.

_"I knew that day when I held you, I didn't want to let you go because I knew if I let go it would have been for good. But part of me is still holding on. I'm not sure if I want to you go."_ More tears feel and my sniffles became continuous. Then Adam walks up and my face is in a total ball. He leans down and pat my back. Telling everything is going to be okay.

_"We are one step Closer."_ He said.

The Car Ride was awkward because everyone was weary. Alli Had to be the first person dropped off because her parents would be angry if they knew she left the house. Adam and her was all squished in the front seat of the hearse anyway. And when Alli left all he could do was stretch and adjust his beanie multiple times, which after awhile it got awkward. I glanced over at him when we stopped in front of his house.

"Well I should go explain to my mom where I been all day before she have baby cows." He joked, I gave him a weak nod and he noticed. "Call anytime if you need anything." He said with his hand on my shoulder. I nodded again and looked at the steering wheel. My feeling were indefinable, part of me felt like some half written Justin Beiber song while the other half felt like running into a knife to see Clare and Julia again. That whole closure thing reminded me so much about how I acted when Julia died. Her (Julia) funeral was the worst I cried in front of all my friends, all of her family and most of the school. It looked like a scene right out a movie reel. I was heart broken and guilty wrapped up in one. The same with Clare. Do everyone I get romantically close with have to leave me so soon?

***At The Hospital * **(Past)

_"We need Mr. and Mrs. Edwards. We got news on Clare."_ She says.

My body went cold, is this good news or bad. I couldn't tell. I see the Edwards walk in the waiting room area. "It's time we find out." I say to myself. I knew I wasn't mentally prepared, I could feel it.

_"Misses and Mister Edwards," _She cleared her throat and took a Deep breath.

_"I am sorry to say we couldn't save her, she lost to much blood and there were so many complications." _The room went very silent almost like I was death. But my vision was sharper than ever, I witness Alli falls to her knee's in tears. Her hair was covering her face almost like one of those scary girls in the horror films. I witness Adam go the nearest corner in the waiting room and put his head against the wall. I witness Mr. Edwards get the most depressing look ever, like his world was over. I witnessed Mrs. Edwards go to one of the chairs because not only could she not accept the reality of it all, she couldn't stand it. But the thing I witness that terrified me the most, My reaction. I wasn't bawling uncontrollably. I wasn't consoling others. I wasn't sitting in a chair pulling my hair out. I wasn't trying to ask if this is a joke, a sick pathetic joke. I was standing there in the middle of the waiting room with my lips turned downwards and my hair slightly covering one of my eye's, Wishing the words I just heard was some how not my fault. Wishing the words that came out that doctor's mouth was some how twisted so that I was just some innocent bystander of another Clare Edwards, who had just lost her life. Wishing that I could run but my body was frozen in place.


End file.
